Ah, small talk: the ultimate nightmare.
We all feel compelled to make it, but hardly ever want to hear it.
Why should this be? We all set out with good intentions. We’re not trying to wind anyone up or put anyone out – particularly if we’ve only just joined an organisation and are in the foothills of what could be a lengthy quest to find out whether there are any like minds in the building.
Last July, workplace collaboration platform GoToMeeting, in partnership with OnePoll, published research showing that the average office worker ‘endures’ 21 bouts of awkward office small talk every week.
Look at that word again. Endures.
This is meant to be casual conversation – not some sort of torture.
A far more upbeat assessment of small talk can be found in a 2010 edition of specialist journal Social, Psychological & Personality Science, wherein a team of researchers found that the practice actually sharpens cognitive ability.
In other words, like many other workplace activities, successful and effective small talk depends upon an element of problem-solving.
It is perhaps here that we arrive at the true crux of the matter. If we only see these interactions with our colleagues as idle chat, do we have any right to be surprised if it never gets off the ground?
Indeed, that research seems to indicate that if we all think small talk is meant to be endured, we could use a few trips to the chitchat gym to tone our conversational muscles. Here are a few exercises…
In a September 2019 column for The New York Times, Bustle.com co-founder Lindsay Mannering offered a simple way out of the fruitless “How are you?” / “Good, how are you?” cul-de-sac:
“Go to your inner Rolodex of topics… and move the short conversation forwards by replying why you’re ‘good’. As in, ‘I’m good. I just started a book/podcast/TV show and I’m really enjoying it. Have you heard of it?’”
Alternatively, she writes, “mention something office-related, where there’s a shared common experience: ‘I’m good. They restocked the cold brew in the kitchen and it’s so strong. Have you tried it?’”
Any journalist worth their salt boils over with frustration when witnessing other journalists – typically on time-filling, 24/7 news channels – asking closed questions. These are questions that could only ever have Yes or No answers and, as such, are singularly unrevealing interrogative tools.
Similarly, if your stabs at small talk never seem to get past the monotonously monosyllabic, it could well be that you and/or your sparring partner are throwing too many closed questions into the mix – the conversational equivalent of wet wood on a bonfire.
In a piece for Quartz at Work, University of California communications specialist Kacy Vega says that, to get some much-needed continuity going, aspiring small talkers should draw from the trusty journalistic toolkit of ‘The Five Ws and H’ – said initials denoting Who, What, Where, When, Why and How. With those prefixes in hand, your chatter will instantly shift to open questions and, all being well, have a conversation motoring along.
“By being more preoccupied with being interested than being interesting,” she notes, “you’re sure to win over a colleague or a new friend.”
Vega also strongly urges against correcting the people you are trying to win over if they happen to mispronounce commonly mispronounced words. “The zealous correction,” she writes, “may raise concerns about empathic ability.” Enough said.
In a piece for wellbeing resource Thrive Global, assistant editor Jessica Hicks writes: “Conversations with colleagues often consist of complaints and negative comments. Think: ‘I’m so tired,’ ‘I’m so busy,’ or ‘How will I make it to Friday?’ If we replace these phrases with a more positive practice – one that promotes feelings of gratitude – physical and psychological benefits can follow.”
Compliments or words of appreciation, she adds, “can enhance performance and social interaction.” There’s evidence for that, too.
In 2018, a team of social psychologists found that subjects of a small talk study “systematically underestimated how much their conversation partners liked them and enjoyed their company”.
The researchers called this disconnect ‘The Liking Gap’, and their discovery of the phenomenon indicates two things:
1. Casual chitchat could actually be a far more welcome feature of people’s lives than its stereotypical reputation would suggest; and
2. There’s no need to assume that you are either about to mess it up, are messing it up right now, or have just messed it up.
Go with the flow, and enjoy yourself.
First of all, don’t panic.
Secondly, drop in a readymade apology for unintentional offence and plea for further dialogue, as put together by US radio host Celeste Headlee and outlined at ideas.ted.com:
“I’m really sorry, I did not in any way, shape, or form intend to offend you. I may be inarticulate, but let me try to explain what I thought I was saying, and then you tell me what you think I’m saying, and maybe we can understand one another.”
Or your own particular riff on that verbal melody.
Happy talking!
Matt Packer is a freelance business, finance and leadership journalist