In a previous article for The Treasurer, I considered how people delegate – and how to make sure everyone involved feels valued.
This companion piece looks at the other side. How is it that we end up taking on work that doesn’t belong to us? What can we do to make sure we choose the work we do rather than realising we’ve got someone else’s monkey on our backs?
One of the most insidious ways we can end up taking on a task is by rescuing.
Think back to Mike and Dave, who we met in the previous piece, and Mike’s ‘be a mate’ routine. He had so much on. He really was up against it. Poor Mike.
In situations like these, the pull to rescue is triggered and before you know it, you’ve offered to take on some of his tasks. If Mike is your boss, it’s tough to resist, but if Mike is your peer, it can be equally hard and you can find yourself taking on the task regardless.
So, how did your peer wangle that? Mike put out subtle signals to invite you to rescue him, maybe blaming someone else and creating a sense of belonging among the workers, saying: “Claire’s asking me for so much – you know what she’s like.”
You may find you need to fight your ‘nice’ instincts
He’s clearly got so much on – he rattles off his tasks, fretting: “There’s the cable rates wording she’s asked for, and the dealing, and that’s before I get to the ISDA agreements.” Then he pulls the trump card. The victim’s plea. “I just can’t do it all. How am I meant to do it all?”
Mike doesn’t even have to ask you to be a mate. It would be unreasonable for someone not to want to help, right?
The work monkey on Mike’s back is climbing down from his shoulders and getting ready to leap.
But it gets even worse. You’re holding out your arms to the monkey to help it across to your back! What are you doing?
Let’s slow that monkey-gathering reflex and look at what’s going on. You may be feeling guilty that you’re not as busy as Mike, pride that he’s trusting you by opening up to you, or frustration – you just want Mike to stop whingeing and go away. You might even feel sorry for Mike that he’s just a bit too far out of his depth.
But you are reacting. Some of us find it harder to stay detached from these kinds of invitations than others. We are particularly liable to rescuing if we’ve previously been rewarded for being selfless, kind or helpful.
When we take on someone else’s task, though, we’re not just ignoring the workload we’ve already got – we’re ignoring the other person’s ability to do the job and sort it out for themselves.
Mike agreed to the tasks originally. It’s his circus. It’s his monkey. He’s the ringmaster. Taking it away from him might feel kind today, but it can leave him feeling dissatisfied and underappreciated later.
To illustrate this, think about what Mike might feel.
Perhaps there’s initial relief that you’ve taken the ISDA agreements off his hands. But then a few weeks later, when your boss gives you the reward for having taken on Mike’s task and helping out, he’s going to feel pretty rubbish, especially when he finishes Claire’s paragraph and realises he did have time to do everything else but was just feeling a bit crunched that day.
So, why do we do it? What do we get out of rescuing people? We get to feel like the star player who runs onto the field to save the match with an 11th-hour goal. If we’re honest, we might even notice ourselves looking forward to being feted as the life-saving hero.
And, importantly, we can also get to feel resentful, as Mike suddenly finds he’s able to head home on time and we’re stuck in the office. It all makes the day a little bit more dramatic, a bit more interesting – but ultimately a bit more stressful.
We also do it because we are nice. We are helpful and we are kind. And they’re all good things to be. But there’s another way to be nice that can help Mike with his monkey management without us taking responsibility for his task.
Sometimes, when people are having a bit of a whinge about their day, all they really need is to blow off some steam. The first step then is to show Mike some empathy. Avoid rescuing him at all costs – even the helpful “Why don’t you try this…?” comment is still rescuing.
So instead, empathise. “Sounds tough. Are you OK?” Asking a question can start helping Mike out of feeling overwhelmed and sorry for himself.
You might get a simple response: “Yes, today’s just busy. I can handle it all – I’m just having a bit of a moment.” Or you might get an escalation of “I’m holding it together…” as he cranks up the invitation to rescue another notch.
The important thing here is to make sure that you avoid the pull to rescue. Offer space to talk, but make it clear that Mike needs to ask for it. “I’m here if you want to talk through how you’re going to handle this. You just need to ask.” Your aim with this statement is to re-engage Mike’s own problem-solving abilities.
It may be that Mike directly asks for your help. A clear request for help is great. It allows you to decide whether you have time to take on the task. Be honest with yourself and with Mike. You’re taking ownership of a monkey here.
Contract on exactly what you are willing to do and if it’s the majority of the work, make sure Claire is aware that you’re running the show now. If Mike is reluctant for Claire to know you’re doing the work, beware.
Mike may be hoping to keep hold of the task in her eyes and take the credit. You may decide that Mike deserves to keep the credit – great. But make sure you make the choice.
You may find you need to fight your ‘nice’ instincts. Remind yourself that the nicest thing you can do is help Mike manage his own workload so he can keep feeling good about himself and his abilities.
Avoid being sucked into a spiral of suggesting ideas that Mike then bats away. Sooner or later, one of you will get annoyed. Keep reminding yourself that Mike is a competent monkey wrangler, so he’ll work it out.
But what if he isn’t?
Here’s the tricky bit. If you start compensating for Mike by picking up the slack for him, ultimately it won’t be his reputation that suffers. It will be yours. Being nice in business is a good thing. But being nice to the point of damaging your reputation is bad for everyone.
Think about the bigger picture. In a competitive marketplace where costs are being cut, employers need to know who is adding the value. If you’re picking up the slack for someone, it means the business can’t see that they have an inefficient asset and act accordingly.
In other words, it isn’t getting the best out of you because you’re busy covering up the worst of Mike. Again, the kind thing to do could be to support Mike as he understands what he’s finding hard and ask for help.
Remember, it’s his circus and his monkey. Not yours.
When it comes to taking on tasks, we need to make sure we know what we’re getting into and make clear choices around that.
Succumbing to our natural tendency to be nice can feel good in the short term, but in the longer term it can just leave us with too much to do and not getting the credit for it. And that’s enough to drive anyone bananas.
Amanda Bradley FCT is an executive coach at Liberty EQ
This article was taken from the December 2019/January 2020 issue of The Treasurer magazine. For more great insights, log in to view the full issue or sign up for eAffiliate membership