Dear Santa,
It’s almost Christmas and I’ve just realised that I never thanked you for the lovely new treasury management system that you gave me last year. It’s really great, and everyone now thinks I’m very clever because I’m able to do all those reports and know where most of our cash is more than half of the time. Which is nice. Also, I really liked the mouse mat with the built-in, solar-powered calculator. It’s very handy and it also meant I could get rid of the one I got from an IT vendor at a treasury conference in Liverpool.
I think I’ve behaved quite well this year. It hasn’t been easy with the economy in the state it’s in, but we managed to not lose any cash. And everybody is still talking about our bond issue, where most of the coupon is made up of gift vouchers to buy a bunch of the widgets we make, but couldn’t actually sell this year. That was my idea (well, mostly).
This year, now that I’m a whole year older and cleverer, I’d like to ask for some more grown-up presents, please.
First of all, I’d like an IT help desk that doesn’t try to solve every problem by saying: “Have you tried rebooting it?” Two weeks ago, I called them up and said, “Hello,” and they said, “Have you tried rebooting it?” And I said, “I haven’t told you the problem yet,” and then when I did, they said, “Have you tried rebooting it?” But I hadn’t, actually, and when I did, that worked – but that’s not the point. They’re smug and beastly, and they make the finance director cry, and that’s just embarrassing for everyone, especially him. And besides, a new IT help desk would be a present that we could all share, here.
Secondly, I’d really like a bank that knows what we do, how we make money, how we spend it and maybe even reads our annual report. And I don’t mean so they can see how much money we make so they can figure out how much money they can make. Maybe then they would stop wasting our time trying to sell us products and services we don’t want and can’t use.
There’s just one other thing I’d really, really, really like, although I know it’s maybe too difficult for the elves: please could you make SEPA interesting?
Finally, I’d really like for someone to guarantee that Greece will definitely stay in the euro. Or definitely leave it. Either. It doesn’t matter which, but at least we would have something to work with rather than all this endless contingency planning and scenario brainstorming our chairman is so mad keen on. It’s doing my head in.
Thank you very much.
A whisky and mince pie will be ready for you in the usual place, and a carrot for Rudolph.
Yours sincerely,
Mr Treasurer
PS: I almost forgot. There’s just one other thing I’d really, really, really like, although I know it’s maybe too difficult for the elves: please could you make SEPA interesting? Thank you.
Andrew Sawers is a freelance business and financial journalist. He is the former editor of Financial Director and has worked on Accountancy Age, Business Age and Commercial Lawyer
